Couples and Marriage Counselling

Things Change

Sometimes during the course of life, challenges seem to get in the way of a happy and healthy life. Changes bring pressures to bear on couples, marriages, families and relationships. We can get stuck in patterns of poor communication, feeling isolated and alone, or feeling angry with, or hurt by, our partner.

Sometimes there is betrayal, violence, substance abuse, infidelity or other critical incidents that affect the way we feel about each other. Sometimes it’s just the pressures of life that seem to stop us from working together as a team, and we seem to be competing for resources like time, money, and happiness.

Often we find that major changes in a family structure such as the birth of a child or children, the change of career, or the loss of a loved one becomes the moment identified as the point of change in a relationship.

No one meant it to change, it often just did, and couples find themselves drifting apart.

Working Together

The historical reason for marriage or any relationship is that they make our life better, by being partners some of the things we can’t do alone we can do as a couple. This can be as simple as not being alone, or sharing assets and income so that we get the lifestyle we want, or even the raising of a family and children, dogs, cats or other loved ones.

Often couples say things like “It would be easier if I was alone, there would be less work”, “It’s like having another child”, “I don’t feel appreciated for the things I do”, “I don’t have a place in my own home”. This kind of thinking is usually an indicator that partners have forgotten what it is they bring to each other’s life. Sometimes its a matter of just agreeing on the give and take we need to sustain any relationship. Sometimes it’s a matter of just communicating, setting rules or defining jobs within the family. Often these things seem like insurmountable hurdles. Sometimes they are, most often it’s not. Family Therapy looks for the change that is needed to meet the needs of both partners, sometimes this is a radical change in thinking, patterns of relationships, or skill sets, most often than not, the change is a small tweak to how we do or see things.

Communication

The first rule of fair fighting is “fight”. This doesn’t mean attack or violence it really means that if you have a need or want that is not met, then, more often than not, its useful for your partner to know, then together, you can work out how to meet that need while continuing to meet other needs. Sometimes there needs to be give and take or negotiation over limited resources, but more often than not the key need of any relationship is to be listened to, to be heard, and to know that your partner wants the best for you.

Couples often come and say “We can’t communicate”, then on exploration we find they are communicating for several hours a day, but not overly happy with the process or results. What’s going on is that they are arguing, but not finding a way of doing it that is life giving for either of the partners. The fair fighting rules are a way of starting to provide space to hear, and to start working together.

Delight

One of the places where relationships often start, or where we think we are in love with someone is when we find “delight” in everything they do. The things we currently find irritating were once one of the most delightful things in the world. This irritation usually comes as a result of pain, pain that comes from all kinds of sources, but often we project that pain onto the ones we love. That is we think that they are the cause of a hurt or difficulty we are having. True, any element or person in a system has a role to play, but usually hurt and pain cannot usually be put down to one person or another. One of the things we try to rediscover at Adelaide Night and Day Family Therapy is the delight we once felt, or the new delights we see in the person we have chosen to spend our life together with, and the things that just being with them brings us. The beauties, the grace, the wonder they bring to the world and to us.

Separation

Sometimes the best solution for a relationship is to note that it is time for the relationship to end. The cost of a messy breakdown in a relationship physically, emotionally and financially, not to mention all others involved, especially children, can be devastating. At Adelaide Night and Day Family Therapy we have worked with many couples to move out of relationships with dignity and respect for each other, so that people can start new lives in the best possible way. Many couples forget that they will share many things for the rest of their life and have to continue in relationships with friends and colleagues, or continue to work together to bring up healthy and happy children, despite their differences.

So whether we are working at creating delight or beauty in a relationship, or assisting in communication or working together, or making the best out of a bad situation, call Adelaide Night and Day Family Therapy and let us walk with you toward a new or better life.